Individual perceptions and the illusion of a safe space

I’ve written a lot on this website about the many reasons that I love science (see here and here, for example). Several recent events within the science and science writing communities have left me with a nagging feeling of deep disappointment, and I’ve been struggling to figure out why disappointment should be my primary reaction.

[I don’t want to go over the events again here since they’ve been hashed out extensively online already. See my Cliff Notes at the bottom if you don’t know what I’m talking about.]

I’m no stranger to the dark side of human nature. I accept it within myself and I recognise (as I wrote about here) that our species is a confusing blend of the sublime and the horrendous. So why should I be surprised by yet one more instance where people treated each other poorly?

Yesterday, I worked out that my disappointment stems from the fact that I’ve always considered science to be a safe space, where it doesn’t matter who you are or where you come from, only what you think about. These recent events have shattered my illusion that science is only about the wonder of the universe.

Of course, no matter how rigorous your academic training, the way you think about the world is intrinsically tied to your worldview and experience – your humanity. As much as I would like to think that issues of race, gender, religion and politics don’t play into science, of course that’s not true. It’s simply a byproduct of scientific discovery being a fundamentally human pursuit.

I guess I’m disappointed because I very naively hoped that science would be neutral territory, exempt from the issues that plague the rest of life. And I’m saddened to think that other people’s experiences with science, which for me have been overwhelmingly wonderful, are tainted or outright ruined by harassment.

I was talking recently with a friend and, with recent events in mind, I asked if she felt like her gender had ever negatively affected her career. She answered that she honestly had never felt like that was the case, and she certainly doesn’t feel as if she has ever experienced outright harassment.

That got me to thinking about my own experiences, and I came to the conclusion that I don’t think I have ever experienced workplace harassment either.

Which is not to say that I have never felt the implications of my gender.

The first time I ever went to meet a client as a brand new consultant engineer, straight out of college, the client politely asked if I was the secretary sent ahead of the engineer. It bothered me at the time, but thinking about it from the perspective of that 50-year-old male property developer, of course he expected a young 20-something female to be the secretary; that scenario constituted the majority of his working experience. After explaining that in fact I would be the engineering rep on the job, that man never again had an issue with my gender.

During the time that I was a consultant, I had a couple of clients who treated me as though they perceived me like a daughter. I can imagine that that would have really riled some women, but it honestly didn’t bother me. I was indeed young enough to be their daughter, and they thought it was great that a young woman was in an engineering career. They were very supportive and never questioned my ability to do my job. They just called me ‘dear’ while I did it, occasionally asked if I was comfortable in various work settings, and to be honest I found that comforting in a new job.

On the other hand, I’ve certainly had supervisors who were less than stellar human beings and seemed to enjoy their power way too much. But since they exhibited similar behaviour in all aspects of their lives and not only towards me, I didn’t take it personally. I simply wrote off their behaviour as a character flaw and a life lesson in dealing with grown up bullies.

I keep asking myself why it is that I’ve never felt harassed in a professional situation. I don’t really believe that I could have been so lucky as to have never encountered a man who might have subjected me to some form of harassment. I’ve encountered way too many men in a professional setting for that statistic not to have played out.

So I keep asking myself, is it simply a matter of perception on my part? A good friend pointed out to me recently that the label harassment really applies when the person on the receiving end of an action feels uncomfortable, or worse. It matters a great deal what the recipient perceives.

In my case, I didn’t feel uncomfortable in my client relationships, so I never would have thought to call anything they said harassment. But perhaps another woman in my shoes would have, and so my life has not actually been free of some objective measure of harassment.

There are other elements that play into this assessment aside from my own personality. The issue of work culture, for one. Although my fellow Australians would undoubtedly think of themselves as forward thinking cosmopolitans (and so they are), I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the engineering culture in Australia is still somewhat macho and chauvinistic. Part of living and working in that culture is adjusting to the norms and learning either to ignore them or work with them. In my work experience, I’ve never had a female supervisor so I’ve learned to work with a range of male management styles and power trips (with a couple of very wonderful exceptions).

And it would be disingenuous of me in the extreme to claim that I never took advantage of a scenario the best that I could. If I felt like I might be overpowered in a male-dominated scenario, I always wore high heels. My bare feet 5’10” can become well over 6 feet in heels, and a woman should never underestimate how the metaphorical power balance tips when the players are at eye level. It helps if those 6 feet are in a skirt. Girls can play at that game, too.

I would also be lying if I didn’t admit to settling into some sort of unspoken role in my working relationships. This should not be read as me not doing my job professionally – I still brought the engineering designs, still discussed technical details, still took responsibility for the job at hand.

What I’m talking about are subtle shifts in tone of voice and choice of language and behaviour. Sometimes that means playing nice and going along with the group joke. Sometimes that means asserting my territory and being a ballbuster. Sometimes it means letting a gender-biased joke land before firing back a witty retort as my way of standing my ground – playing with the boys, rather than against them, and using my intelligence to strike the final blow.

But to me, those shifts in behaviour are no different in substance to the roles that I might play in other areas of my life.

I consider myself an introvert, in that I find it energetically challenging to interact with most people. Particularly in work or group situations, I need to put on some kind of imaginary mask to get the job done and often feel as though I’m acting out some kind of character who isn’t quite me. This always leaves me exhausted afterwards, but judging by how surprised people are when I tell them this, I’m getting pretty good at impersonating someone who can confidently work a room and interact with near strangers.

The result of this play acting is that I don’t personally distinguish between the smiles and small talk required at a social party and putting up with being called ‘dear’ and patted on the shoulder to get along with an older male engineering client. To me, it’s all about finding the best way to communicate with any given individual to achieve my ultimate goal of getting along.

As I type this, I realise that these descriptions of my actions may sound morally reprehensible to some (or many) women (and possibly men). But it is simply the way that I have learned to move through the world the best I can without completely removing myself from society. It’s the way that I cope with all social interactions, which include the professional workplace.

Recently, I’ve been questioning whether my perceived lack of harassment is solely due to my own perception of this behaviour. Is it simply because I’ve taught myself to stand my ground comfortably when surrounded by chauvinistic men that I don’t feel harassed? Does the veneer of (very tall) confidence that I can put on ward off would-be harassers, who are turned away by the lack of an easy target? Does my confidence that my own intelligence will eventually win out lead me to act in some way that deflects actions other women would perceive as harassment? These questions have no sure answers.

My friend, who recently told me that she has never experienced harassment, is one of the smartest, most competent individuals I’ve ever met, which makes me wonder if her experience also owes something to the way that she carries herself in the workplace and the respect she very quickly earns for her abilities. She is also Australian, and so maybe she also learned to present herself a certain way in that engineering culture, but maybe not.

I don’t want these words to be interpreted as some sort of condemnation of women who just can’t stand up for themselves. That is not at all what I mean. Every experience is interpreted through a personal lens comprised of personality and prior experience, which naturally means that every woman will have a different – and perfectly valid – reaction to the same situation. My actions may well be perceived by others as turning a blind eye to inappropriate behaviour. Now, that’s not at all how I feel. I’ve simply dealt with macho work culture in the same way that I deal with the world at large, so for me it has been no big deal. But for other women that is surely not the case.

Also, I’m not suggesting that women should just get used to working in a chauvinistic culture and learn to deal with uncomfortable situations. It’s been my method of dealing with such a culture to fight back from the inside – to be accepted as an insider by first going along for the ride, before landing a scoring punch or two by using my brain as a fist. That’s what has worked for me, but it’s by no means the only way to respond.

I should also point out – if it isn’t already clear – that I’ve never had a man touch me inappropriately in a work setting. Anything I’ve experienced has been purely verbal. Had someone touched me, things might have been different. And none of the conversations I’ve had with male clients or superiors have ever verged into explicit talk about sex.

But here ends the qualifications. Because science should be a safe space, as should all work places. As recent events have made clear, far too many women have been made to deal with things they shouldn’t have to.

And on their behalf, I resent that other women have such a hard time simply trying to do their work. Why can’t they be left alone in peace to think and plan and design and ponder?

I also resent that events happen that require this kind of examination and follow-up.  Why can’t people rise up to be the best possible version of themselves? Why can’t they save their energy for applying their undeniable talents to real problems and real issues, instead of perpetuating the kind of behaviour that lays bare all of the pettiness and cruelty dwelling in human nature?

One of the reasons that I’m drawn to science fiction is the common underlying theme of humankind rising to meet its potential in some way. I know I’m not alone in this, because science fiction fans are numerous and renowned for their loyalty.

When the aliens arrive, inter-people differences are forgotten in the name of fighting back as a united front. When the asteroid strikes or the monsters rise up from the deep, race and gender and other identifying features become irrelevant as strangers band together to survive.

When it comes right down to it, in science fiction at least, all that matters is the good in your heart and how you can put your talents to use for others. I think a lot of us wish that were true outside of the fantasy.

I certainly wish that were true in science, a sphere I hold so dear and through which I have met so many wonderful human beings. I want the safe space to return, only this time, not merely as an illusion.

Yours in the pursuit of spaceships,

Bec

Cliff Notes on recent events: someone at a science blogging website called a working scientist a whore for not writing for the website for free. The scientist then wrote about the encounter on her Scientific American blog but the post was taken down almost immediately and without her knowledge, which led to all manner of repercussions and precipitated three women coming forward publicly to name a giant in the science writing community as the perpetrator of sexual harassment. Said giant publicly acknowledged that he was guilty and was removed as editor of the Scientific American blogs (he also resigned or was removed from other positions he held).

This has generated a huge amount of discussion on every form of social media, some of which has been vitriolic and hateful. But some has been really thought-provoking and stimulated genuine conversations about the nature of workplace relationships and insidious forms of discrimination and harassment that can damage or derail careers.

If you’re at all interested in reading about all the commotion, the fall out and the subsequent debate, I recommend two articles that came out recently that provide good summaries, links to original source material and thoughtful critique: this one by the fabulous Maryn McKenna over on Wired, and this one by Jennifer Oullette on the Scientific American blogs.